The Specialist - Chic Sale

The Ultimate Insurance Claim

I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number three of the accident reporting form, I put, quote ... poor planning ... unquote, as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and so I trust that the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry all of the bricks down six flights of stairs a few at a time, I decided to lower them in an empty barrel someone had left behind, using a pulley which was conveniently attached to a projecting beam on the side of the building at the sixth floor.

First, I procured a stout rope twice as long as the height of the building at the sixth floor and threaded it through the pulley. Then I rigged a sling for the barrel, attached it to the rope, and went down and secured the rope at ground level to a small tree, with a slip knot. I then went back to the roof, swung the barrel out and carefully loaded the bricks into it. They all went in nicely. Then, quite pleased, I went back to the ground and pulled the slip knot loose, holding the rope tightly to ensure the slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks.

The next sequence of events occurred in much less time than it takes to relate them.

You will note, in block number eleven of the accident reporting form, that I weigh 145 pounds. Thus I was unsuccessful in slowly lowering the barrel of bricks. As soon as the rope was untied, I was propelled upward at an astonishing velocity. Dazed at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I momentarily lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I collided with the descending barrel, which explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone.

Slowed only briefly, I continued my rapid ascent, stopping only when the fingers of my right hand entered the pulley, explaining the contusions and abrasions of the fingers. Fortunately, by this time I regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope despite the pain of my injuries, which you can imagine.

At precisely that moment, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground. Did I mention that it was an old wooden barrel? Anyway, the bottom burst, spilling all the bricks. Devoid of the bricks, of course the barrel became considerably lighter. I refer you again to my weight in block eleven, 145 pounds. As you may imagine, I began a very rapid descent down the side of the building.

Again, in the vicinity of the third floor, I met the now empty barrel coming up. This accounts for the multiple contusions and the lacerations to my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed my fall barely enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks, resulting, fortunately, in only three cracked vertebrae and badly sprained ankles.

I am sorry to report, however, that, as I lay there on the bricks, in agony, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I'm afraid I again lost my presence of mind and let go of the rope!!


Old farmer Jones goes up to his wife one day and asks "Honey, I have never flown in one of those new fangled air planes and I would like for us to go for a ride in one."  Naturally, she said "Yes."  So they drove to the airport and found a pilot and told him what they want and a light went on in the pilots head and he realizes that this is the old farmer that is so very tight with money. Thus, he says "I tell you what, old timer, I will give you a free ride in my airplane if you promise not to yell, but if you yell, I get to charge you double."  The old farmer thinks this is a piece of cake so they shake on the agreement and Ma gets in the plane, Pa gets in the plane and last, the pilot.  Said pilot starts the plane and taxis to the run way, does his run up, gets his clearance and takes off.  No sooner was he 1,000' above ground level, he turned the plane up side down.   NOT A WORD! So he flies towards mountains, buildings, trees and NOT A WORD!  Not to give up, the pilot saw an old barn in a farmers field and thinks of the old barn storming days when pilots would fly through the barn to the delight of the spectators and the promoters of the flying circus.  Said pilots vanity took charge and he headed for the open doors on the barn and flew through with chickens flying everywhere but, alas, the pilot had no more tricks so he headed back to the airport.  Alas, one last coup de theatre may do the job before landing so he did a couple of quick loop d loops in the sky to no effect.  Well, he lands and taxis over to the ramp and shuts off the engine and gets out and so does PA. They look at each others and the pilot says "Well, you didn't yell did you." The old farmer says,"No, but I almost did when Maw fell out.                      Credit goes to Bennet Cerf on WHATS MY LINE AND HIS PUBLISHED JOKES IN THE CHICAGO TRIBUNE, I believe.  But I am the one that has been keeping this one alive for 4 decades.             Question, are gender issues involved in this joke and if you read my bio plus, you can see why this is a favorite.      Thanks for allowing me this privilege to share.

Please note those 2 really great jokes in the Einstein lecture at the begining. Very funny and I am certain you will like.

Preacher is assigned to a new church in Texas and calls the church office at 8:30 on Monday morning and identifies himself as the new pastor and tells her he would like a list of members who do not attend services regularly so he can contact them and hopefully have a good attendance for his first service next Sunday.  He enters the church a little after 9 a.m. and the church secretary looks up, screams and throws her arms in the air and says loud enough for anyone in the building to hear "OH MY GOD, IT'S CONWAY TWITTY."  The preacher, very quietly says "I get that a lot but I am not Conway Twitty, I am your new pastor."  She says 'Wow' while fanning her flushed face with some papers. The minister says 'Do you have that list?' she fumbles around and finally hands the list to him. He says Thanks and says that he already has a map and GPS and should be back around noon.  Around 11:30 he has time for one last call and there is a woman on the list via the trip back to the church so he stops at this small, brich bungalow house in the burbs and goes up to the door and rings the bell. Well, this beautiful 30 yr old woman happens to be in the shower and she decides to not answer the door. The preacher see her car in the driveway so he feels she must be home so he rings the door bell one last time.  She then decides that perhaps this visitor is potentially important so she gets out of the shower and goes to and opens the front door and sreams "OH MY GOD, IT'S CONWAY TWITTY!!!!"  Then her hands fly in the air over her head which was once holding her robe. Thus she was totally exposed in all her feminine glory.  You may well imagine what he says  "Hello Little Darlin."

Lady text messages her husband:  MY WINDOWS ARE FROZEN.

A few minutes later she replies: NOW MY COMPUTER IS REALLY MESSED UP.

A lady goes to see her priest for an exorcism. The priest does his job and holds his hand out and she stares at it and replies "Oh Father, you must forgive me. I have no money."  You can well imagine she was repossessed.

A funeral director goes up to a bagpipe player and says "We have a funeral in the morning of a homeless man who had no family, no friends, and no money. We are having a 10 o'clock graveside service in the morning at the paupers cemetery north of town in the woods. We would like for you to help give him a proper send off by playing the bagpipes. Would you do that?  I certainly will said the bagpipe player.  Directions were taken and the next morning the bag piper places his bagpipes in the back seat of his car and heads for the woods and the cemetery.  He had not planned on getting lost and he drove around til after 11 o'clock and was about to give up on finding the cemetery when he sees an opening ahead in the forest. He pulls up and sure enough there was a grave dug and a mound of dirt to the side and shovels standing up in same and the workers were underneath an oak tree eating their lunch. It would seem the funeral director had given up on him but he was not going to drop giving this poor man a proper send off to eternity.  He took the bag pipes out of the back seat of his car and went over to the grave. He looked in same and the concrete lid was already in place so he played the pipes as good as ever and when he got to his last selection "Amazing Grace", all the workers stood and put their hats over their hearts and all had a tear, even the pipe player.  Once finished, the bag pipe player headed for his car and as he opens his car door, he hears a worker say to his fellow workers "Guys, you know I have been doing this kind of work for over 2 decades now and I have never seen anyone play the bag pipes over a septic tank."

1 comment:

  1. Video and insurance claim, very funny. Most seniors should appreciate the video but probably not the modern urbanite. Thanks


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